Last Man Standing

Have you ever felt alone and scared? Maybe even helpless? Are you questioning everything you do? It’s a shitty feeling, and one I believe many 20-something singles go through. In fact, I think a lot of my buddies are feeling that way right now. They're thinking, “I’m I running out of time” or “ If I don’t get a girlfriend now I’m going to be stuck with whatever’s left!”

Living in New York City can be great. Fuck, at times it’s amazing! But it can also be a very lonely place, especially if your friends are all getting ‘wifed’-up. I’m 25 and by no means — and I stress the word no — do I worry about running out of time. I believe strongly in letting life take its course. I also I have plenty of things I want to do before I settle down. (And I want to do them alone, so save the you-can-do-everything-you-want-with-your-partner crap, because that’s a bunch of boloney.) But lately, I feel like everybody I know is so fucking incredibly worried about finding a significant other that they forget to live! What the fuck?

A few of my buddies are stuck in incredibly shitty relationships because they are just comfortable. I mean, it’s getting hard for me to find someone to grab a drink with after work on a Wednesday because my buddies are being dragged all over SoHo shopping for dog purses or some such shit. And the worst part is, they don't even have dogs!

I could see them settling down if they're happy, but they're not! I know that, and they know that.

The truth will prevail; it always does. Shitty relationships always come to an end. Their worlds will come crashing in on them, and that'll suck. But, hey, what am I supposed to do in the meantime? As the last man standing am I supposed to start looking for a girlfriend, just because?

Fuck no! I'm not going to let other people's actions back me into a corner. I'm going to stay single, even if that means finding new hobbies or trying new things. That’s why last night, while out with one of my remaining soldiers, a girl asked me to go to a sex/role-play party with her, and I accepted. At first, I wasn't sure; I questioned it. But then I thought, why not? I might be, like, the next Leonardo DiCaprio of the role-playing world — just straight up crushing doctor and teacher scenes!

So now I can't wait. And you better believe I’ll be packin' Blue Steele with me. Isn't it an unwritten rule that it’s OK to bring Viagra to a sex/role-play party? I mean, would Hacksaw Jim Duggan go into a wrestling match without a 2x4?

I don’think so!

So I leave you with these parting words: Your buddies are going to get girlfriends; it's a part of life. But that does not mean that you have to run to the attic and grab your fishing pole. There are plenty of fish out there, and life will do its thing. But if your ass gets invited to a sex party, you say, "Yes!"... and speak no further!