A Tickle From Grandpa: A Thanksgiving Story

Last night was Thanksgiving eve, and depending on where you grew up, that could mean one of two things: A) You were lucky enough (or, perhaps, unlucky enough) to reunite with the girl who took your virginity; or B) You were sitting in a local bar, looking around at all the mutants you grew up with, saying, “Damn, I had fun in fucking high school!" Either way, you have a lot to be thankful for. And, so do I. And that's something I realized on Thanksgiving morning.
[Cue heartwarming-story music]
It all started with a tickle from grandpa ...
I'd fallen asleep naked on my mother's couch, just like I usually do when I go home for a visit. Normally, I wake up early enough to get myself together before guests arrive, but this Thanksgiving I awoke to my grandparents standing over me with a nice box of pastries, and my mother standing beside them in pure disgust.
Knowing the shit-show that I am, they weren’t surprised to find me naked and snuggling an empty box of one-year-old Girl Scout cookies. So I smiled, said I was sorry, and they were quick to forgive. My grandfather even gave me a tickle. And that, my friends, was when I realized I have the best fucking family in the world.
It was also when I realized that it's time for my mother to get her act together and buy some better fucking munchies! I mean, who the hell keeps twelve-month-old thin mints? Or, an even better question is this: How the fuck do thin mints go uneaten for a year?  But all that aside, I flat-out love my mother! She’s one of a kind, and I wish I could spend more time with her.
My life has taken me in a direction that's pulled me away from home. Sure, I make a valiant effort to visit often, and I always keep in touch. But nothing — nothing — can replace a good ol’ fashion Thanksgiving homecoming. Football, stuffing, hand-jobs in the parking lots of  your favorite bars — whatever it is that makes you remember how much you love where you grew up — those memories are always a little warmer during the holiday season.
You know what I'm sayin'? No matter what life throws your way, you always have a home base and a home team. My team spent Thanksgiving drinking Grand Marnier and making the girls on Soul Train look like ballerinas.  Hell, my grandma was grinding up on my grandpa at one o'clock in the afternoon! She’s so goddamn cute (and she smelled like an angel)! Yours might have sung Christmas carols or watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. But no matter what your team did, the fact is, they were there for you, and you need to thank them for that.
Christmas is only a few weeks away, so you'll soon get another chance to love on the people you don't get to see that often. So don't blow it! Remember to grind up on your grandma, and don’t forget to sneak way from the Christmas table to smoke a joint before you feast. You'll need to justify eating nine Pillsbury Doughboy biscuits!